Having Her: Lies We Tell, Book 2 Page 19

  Kara stared at him. Once again she was getting the implacable mask. The one that said, These are the facts. Suck it up. “You really have all the answers, don’t you? It doesn’t have to be that way all the time, Vin. You can change your reality if you want it enough.”

  His blue-gray gaze stared back, unflinching. “So change yours, Kara. Stop shooting for good enough. Aim higher.”

  Unease twisted inside her. “What’s wrong with good enough?”

  “Nothing. But you’re better than that. You’re smart and you’re clever and you’re determined. You should want more.”

  His words went straight through her like arrows punching through tin foil. And she knew he meant every one because he never said anything he didn’t mean.

  “What if I don’t want more? What if I’m happy with what I have?”

  He saw so much. So much she didn’t want him to see and yet couldn’t seem to hide from him. “But you’re not happy. Are you, baby?”

  “Neither are you.”

  He let out a long slow breath. “I guess we can’t always get what we want, right?”

  A silence fell between them. Heavy with the weight of burdens they were carrying.

  Then abruptly Vin got up from his desk, walked over to the windows, tightly leashed restlessness in every line of his tall, broad figure. “You know I’m building a house, right?” he said.

  She did know. He’d been in the process of building it for a while now, doing the job himself. Ellie had told her it was because he was such a control freak he wouldn’t let anyone else touch it. “What about it?”

  “I’ve fast-tracked the building. It should be finished in a month or so. I want you to move in when it’s done.”

  Shock moved like a cold wave over her. “You want me to move in?” she repeated blankly. “Why?”

  He swung round to face her. “Because you’re pregnant. And I need you close in order to look after you.”

  “I’m not sick, Vin. I don’t need looking after.”

  “That’s my child you’re carrying. And I told you I’m not abandoning it. My job as a father starts now.”

  Kara slipped off the desk. No way was he starting into his control-freak stuff. Not with her. “No. You don’t get to do that, Vincent Fox. You don’t get to order me around like you own me. I’m not your slave anymore. And I’m not your sister either. I’m not even your freaking girlfriend. Yes, this child is yours but it’s also mine. And you need to leave me alone to make my own decisions about how this is going to go.”

  Frustration crossed his face. “If you think I’m going to stand back and take a passive role in this kid’s life you’ve got another think coming. I won’t let you do this alone.”

  Oh crap, that’s all she needed. Vin doing his protective thing. And he wouldn’t back down about it. “That doesn’t mean I have to move in with you.”

  “Fine. I’ll sell the house and move in with you.”

  “You will bloody not!”

  “Why not? You won’t have to pay rent. And you’ll have someone around to look out for you.”

  “I don’t need anyone to look out for me.” She’d been looking after herself for years now. Yeah, okay, so she loved him but she didn’t need him, that was for sure. “God, next you’ll be offering marriage.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Perhaps that would be a good idea. Kids need a family.”

  A weird kind of panic turned over inside her. Marriage? A family?

  It’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? Normal?

  Yes, it was. But him marrying her because he had to, because she was pregnant, that wasn’t the kind of normal she had in mind. People got married because they loved each other.

  What makes you think you deserve anyone’s love?

  Out of nowhere came the image of the collar, the one she’d shoved in a drawer the day she’d taken that pregnancy test. The one he’d given her for her birthday. A beautiful and precious gift, something you surely didn’t give to a casual screw. Too good for her and yet, “You belong to me,” he’d said before giving her the key.

  A pain settled in her chest, a sharp kind of hope she didn’t want to acknowledge. Forcing the thought from her head, she chucked her cup in the bin beside the desk. “Well, I hate to disappoint you but I’m not the marrying kind. And as for all this moving-in shit, that’s not going to happen either. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a café to run.” She moved to the door, grasped the handle.

  “Stop being so bloody stubborn, baby girl,” Vin growled.

  “And you respect my right to say no, asshole.”

  She didn’t wait for an answer, slamming the door behind her as she left.

  Vin looked down at the plans he’d had loaded onto his iPad then glanced back up at the building taking shape in front of him. The roof was on already—Hunter’s fix for the roofline had worked a treat—and soon they’d be ready to do the cladding. The two new apprentices he’d just hired had been a little wild, but they’d already been nicely whipped into shape by the guy he’d taken on to replace Hunter.

  Maybe he and Kara would be able to move in before the twelve-week mark.

  Vin glanced down at the iPad again, checking his email, but there was nothing from her.

  Not hugely surprising given how angry she’d been with him the day she’d walked out of his office. He’d decided after that to give her some space, and it had been a couple of weeks since he’d had more than a few terse texts from her telling him she was goddamn okay and to stop fucking bothering her.

  Typical Kara. She must be really annoyed with him.

  Of course he shouldn’t have asked Ellie about her business without her knowledge. But then he had to do something. Had to feel like some plans were being made. Okay, so it was early on in the pregnancy but a little information gathering wouldn’t hurt. And whether he knew or not didn’t change the fact that her business was in trouble.

  And he hadn’t been kidding about her moving in. He wanted her close so he could make sure she and the baby were okay. She might think it was some kind of control- freak thing and yeah, maybe it was. But that’s just how he operated. It was either that or he rang her every day, called in to see her every evening, and he didn’t think she’d like that either.

  You could just leave her alone.

  Vin stared sightlessly at the iPad screen. No, he couldn’t. She was having his baby. And she might act all tough and independent but she was vulnerable underneath it all. She had no one else to count on except him. And if she had another episode with the razor…

  He went cold at the thought.

  No, she had to be with him. Here. In his house. His home.

  He looked up at the building again. This thing had been in the planning stages so long. Ever since his father had told Vin to draw him a house. A house for their family to live in.

  Well, he’d drawn that damn house only for his father to fuck off. But dammit now the house was real and his family would live in it.

  If it killed him they would.

  The iPad made a chiming sound. A new message. He opened the app to find a message from Kara. Scan appointment. Tomorrow at 3pm. You want to be there?

  Stupid question. Of course he wanted to be there. Yes. Send me the details.

  A second later and he had the place and the address. Another second and she’d added, Thanks for giving me some space.

  Vin snorted. Don’t get used to it. Tomorrow we sort out what we’re doing.

  She didn’t reply.

  Vin hit the off button on the iPad. He’d have this, by God he would. He’d have her close, where he could see her. Look out for her and their child. Make sure they were okay.

  Touch her.

  But he closed that thought down. No, they weren’t going back to what they had before. He’d put his own needs first then and now they were dealing with the consequences.

  There could be no more mistakes.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kara fiddled with her ponytail then flicked over th
e page of the stupid woman’s magazine she wasn’t reading. Yet another Z-list celebrity with yet another “baby bump”. She resisted the urge to check the time on her phone again. She’d already compulsively checked it twice since she got to the clinic for her scan appointment. Probably only a few seconds had passed since the last time.

  Nervousness churned in her gut, worsening the faint nausea from the morning sickness. She’d woken late this morning and had had to skip breakfast in order to get to the café on time. It’d been unusually busy too and the muffin she’d had mid-morning, followed by half a cheese panini at lunch was all she’d managed to fit in today.

  Not enough. No wonder she felt ill.

  Although that may have been the leftover from her conversation last night with Ellie via Skype. Where she’d finally told her friend about the baby.

  Ellie’s eyes went wide. “What?”

  “Do I really have to say it again?”

  “Yes. Because I don’t think I quite got it the first time.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “Fucking hell! But how? I mean…aren’t you a virgin?”

  The look on Ellie’s face brought a reluctant grin out of her. “Clearly not anymore.”

  Ellie blinked. “Wow. I just…wow. You know you’re going to have to tell me everything now. And I mean bloody everything.”

  “Actually, there’s some details you may not want.” Kara braced herself. “Considering the fact that Vin’s the father.”

  Ellie’s mouth opened but nothing came out.

  “I’m sorry, babe,” Kara said, rushing to get the words out. “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. But it just kind of happened and I totally didn’t mean to, and I know—”

  “You’ve been sleeping with my brother?”

  “Uh…yeah.”

  Ellie bit her lip then let out a long breath. “Okay, well, I gotta be honest with you. It’s a little weird.”

  “I know. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”

  “I didn’t even know you and Vin… That you guys… I mean, I thought you didn’t like him?”

  “I kind of don’t. But I kind of do, too, if that makes sense.”

  “Not really, no. I’m still coming to terms with the thought of my best friend actually wanting to sleep with my brother.”

  “I hate to break it to you, babe, but he’s hot.”

  Ellie held up a hand. “Ew, no. Please don’t go there.”

  So she hadn’t gone there. Especially not about the collar and the slave fantasy. But as she’d talked to her friend about Vin and the baby, about how he’d asked her to move in with him, a deep yearning had broken open inside her. Like a damned-up river finally being able to flow again.

  That was what she wanted. What she’d desperately wanted all her life.

  And yet not quite. Because in all her fantasies, the fantasies of a family she’d had as a lonely teenager, she was loved. And Vin didn’t love her. The only reason he’d offered this was for the baby’s sake.

  Aim higher.

  Maybe he could, with his successful company, the house he was building. The plans he’d made for himself. But she couldn’t. All she could do was draw cute cartoons and make a mean coffee. Oh and rock purple highlights like a boss. There wasn’t much else for her except the café.

  You’re smart and you’re clever and you’re determined. You should want more.

  Vin’s voice, the words directly confronting the feelings of worthlessness she’d always tried so desperately to hide from. He never said anything he didn’t mean. So why didn’t she believe him? Why shouldn’t she want more for herself? Like a family for a start.

  Kara stared unseeing at the pages of the magazine, fear turning over inside her, making her mouth go dry. The old fears of rejection, of failing, of making yet another mistake in her life. But fuck it. This was her chance. Her chance at a normal life. A chance of having the kind of family she’d always wanted for herself. A place to belong. Okay, so he may not love her, but he did feel something for her. He wouldn’t have given her that collar, claimed her as his, if all he’d wanted was a screw. Surely?

  Maybe she could move in with him. Accept that from him like she’d accepted his care that night she’d cut herself…

  Abruptly Kara threw the magazine back on the waiting room table. There was no one else waiting, just her. She got up out of the chair and paced around, staring at the pictures on the walls. The stages of pregnancy. Examples of scans. Happy families.

  She stopped in front of one poster of a mother holding her child. A normal looking mother in a white dress, normal hair, normal smile. Looking at her baby with such love.

  Kara’s heart felt tight in her chest, the echo of pressure building. She didn’t look like that. Today she’d tried, put on some skinny jeans and a tank top. Put her hair up. Left her makeup behind. Left her contacts out. But deep inside she felt the same. Still the weirdo girl with the strange dress sense. Who didn’t fit in. Who cut herself when she got sad. Whom nobody wanted. Pretty much the antithesis of the mother in that poster.

  How could she be that mother anyway? How could she give a child love when she’d never had it herself?

  The poster swam in front of her eyes. Stupid fucking tears. Crying. All the time she was bloody crying. She hated it. Man, sometimes she preferred the razor. It was less painful than the tears.

  “Kara?”

  A deep, rough voice behind her. Vin.

  She stayed where she was, staring at the poster. Not wanting him to see her tears. Or the sudden leap in her heart that she was sure must show on her face. “Look at that woman,” she said, hoping like hell her voice sounded level. “Who wears a dress like that? I mean, really.”

  Warmth behind her. The familiar, spicy scent of him. And an overpowering urge gripped her. To step back into his arms. Turn and press her face against his chest. Let him hold her like he had that night. When he’d helped her ease the unbearable pressure of all those years of grief and pain.

  It wasn’t a razor she wanted. Or tears. She wanted him.

  Perhaps he wouldn’t ever love her. But he’d give her his strength and his support. Ease her pain. And he’d do it without question. Without hesitation. Because that’s the kind of guy he was. The kind of guy he’d always been.

  When it came to giving support, he’d never reject her.

  Kara didn’t think. She turned and stepped close to him. Wrapped her arms around his lean hips. Laid her forehead on the hard wall of his chest. And whispered, “I’m scared, Vin.”

  He didn’t move. Didn’t step away. At first she felt him tense, then gradually he relaxed and his arms came around her. Holding her close. “I know.” His voice rumbled against her ear. “But it’ll be okay.”

  A hand rested on the back of her head. She closed her eyes a moment. “I don’t know how I can do this. How I can give a kid love. I never had it when I was little. What if…what if I can’t?” Fear twisted, heavy and dark. “What if I’m too screwed up?”

  Gentle fingers gripped her ponytail, pulling her head back. The look in his eyes was so sharp, focused. “You’re not screwed up, Kara. You just had a shitty childhood. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love. I had a shitty childhood too, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t love Ellie.”

  And God, that shitty childhood hadn’t prevented her from falling in love with him, had it? It was a screwed up kind of love maybe, but it was love. She knew it, felt it in her heart.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “And you said you had a brother and sister. You must have loved them.”

  Liam and Rose. Eating breakfast in the morning. Toast because that’s all Kara could make and bread was cheap. Brushing Rose’s hair. Wiping Liam’s face when he got butter all over it.

  “It hurt when we were taken away. When we were split up.” Liam crying, Rose reaching out for her. Not for their mother. For Kara. “So I guess I did.” She hadn’t got to see them much while they were all in foster care and then, once they’d b
een given back to their mother, not at all…

  Vin’s fingers in her hair tightened. “You know that no one will ever take your child from you, don’t you? No one will ever take our child?”

  As if anyone would ever get past him. “I do. But actually…I think that’s not really what I’m afraid of.”

  “Then what?”

  The fear twisted again and she recognized it now. Saw it for what it was. “I think I’m more afraid I will love it. That I won’t be able to help myself.” She swallowed. “And love hurts, Vin. It hurts too much.”

  “Ms. Sinclair?” The radiographer was standing beside the reception desk. “We’re ready for you now.”

  Kara wiped her eyes. Pushed herself away from him. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

  Vin tried to tell himself he wasn’t nervous. But no amount of telling himself that changed the unsteady feeling in his gut as the radiographer moved the ultrasound device over Kara’s bare stomach. On the little screen a black-and-white image showed, full of strange shapes and moving blobs. The technician made a satisfied sound. “Ah, there it is. Do you see?” She pointed to one of the blobs. It pulsed. “That’s your baby.”

  The unsteady feeling became an earthquake, the world moving under his feet. Resettling itself into a new landscape. An entirely different and unfamiliar country.

  That tiny thing was his baby. His child.

  Kara made a soft, choked sound. He was holding her hand and her fingers tightened sharply around his. He turned his head, looked at her. Found her dark eyes on his, full of fear. Full of something else too.

  Love hurts.

  Yeah. It did. It was huge and terrifying and painful. The responsibility of it crushing. Not something you’d want to share with anyone because the burden of it was easier to deal with alone. That way no one could take it away from you.

  He wanted to tell her it was okay, that it would be all right. But he didn’t know if it would be.

  She blinked, turned her head away. Yet didn’t let go of his hand.