Having Her: Lies We Tell, Book 2 Page 24

  I love you, Vin Fox.

  He pushed the words violently from his head. What she felt for him was irrelevant. Completely. It meant nothing to him.

  He looked down at the bouquet of white orchids he held in his hand, checking to make sure they were all in order. They were. He’d bought them for her because every bride should have a bouquet and because they were rare and delicate and just a little bit weird. Like she was.

  A flash of color in the crowds going by, a streak of purple hair, brought his attention from the flowers and he stared after the woman it belonged to, his heart beating fast. But it wasn’t Kara.

  The ache inside him intensified. Shifted.

  For the past three days he’d been crashing at the office because he’d needed the space. Because he didn’t know what to say to her. How to make things right between them again.

  He didn’t love her. He didn’t want to. He was just so goddamn tired of love and its demands. Of how it made you give away bits of yourself until you didn’t have anything left.

  You coward.

  Yeah, well, coward or not, once you’d given those pieces of yourself away, you wouldn’t ever get them back. The person you gave them to would take those pieces with them when they left you and then you’d be broken. Never to be put back together again.

  He’d already given so much of himself to people. To his father. To his mother. To Hunter. To Ellie. There was nothing left to give Kara.

  Does our child not deserve a piece of you?

  The pain inside became sharp, raw. Fuck, no. He couldn’t think about the baby yet. He couldn’t. What with all this stuff with Kara, it felt too much. Too big.

  He forced the thought away as the clock on the university building up the hill near Albert Park began to chime, the sound blanketing the city.

  Shit. She was now officially late.

  Vin stalked into the building and asked the officials to wait another five minutes.

  Then he went back outside again, the orchids still gripped in his fist. It would be okay. Brides were supposed to be late, weren’t they?

  He walked up and down the stairs, unable to keep still.

  Where the fuck was she?

  Unease and anxiety began to morph into anger, which was so much easier to handle than the underlying bitter disappointment that began to creep through him. Disappointment laced with an anguish he didn’t want to acknowledge.

  It shouldn’t hurt that she wasn’t here. He should be feeling relieved. Because she was right, he didn’t want to marry her anyway. No, he didn’t. She was too much drama, too much work.

  It was just for the baby’s sake and if she didn’t want to then that was fine. Christ, it was better all round, right?

  Someone came out of the building, asked him where Kara was. She was now ten minutes late. He wanted to tell them that she’d be here, of course she’d be here. But in his heart he knew she wouldn’t.

  She’d aimed higher. She’d wanted more than what he could give her.

  Vin cancelled the ceremony then stood outside on the stairs, still clutching the bouquet.

  The jilted fucking groom. What a joke.

  Furious, he stalked over to a nearby rubbish bin and chucked the flowers into it. So she didn’t want to get married, what did he care? At least he wouldn’t be tied to a woman he didn’t love. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with her shit from now on. And as for their kid, well, they’d organize custody. It wouldn’t be a big deal.

  For a second he stood there on the sidewalk, not knowing what the hell to do with himself, the ache of anxiety mixing uncomfortably with the anger in his gut.

  First, he was going to have to make sure she was okay.

  Digging into his pocket, he hauled out his phone and sent off a terse where the fuck are you? text to her. There was no response.

  The anxiety tightened. Jesus, where was she? Had something happened to her? He flicked off a text to Ellie in case she knew and was surprised when, a minute later, a text from her came back. She’s on her way to Tokyo, asshole. She left this morning. Didn’t I warn you not to hurt her?

  Tokyo. Kara had left him and gone to Tokyo instead.

  The ache twisted into pain. A pain with no relief.

  Vin gritted his teeth, put his phone away, then went to a bar and got pissed.

  Much later that night, drunk and still unaccountably furious, he found himself outside Kara’s apartment building without any real idea of how he got there.

  He really didn’t want to go inside but he found himself heading up the stairs and through the door anyway. And as soon as he got there he knew he’d made a mistake.

  The whole place smelled of her and he couldn’t stop from checking all the rooms, his subconscious telling him she was there, that she was near.

  But she wasn’t.

  Standing blankly in the empty, dark bedroom, he felt her absence so acutely it was as if someone had cut a Kara shaped-hole in his chest.

  His attention fell on a piece of paper on one of the pillows on the bed. The side he usually slept on. It had his name on it.

  A fucking Dear John letter.

  The fury, still simmering away inside him, flared bright and before he could even think straight, he’d bent, picked up the letter and ripped into a million white scraps of paper, scattering the bits all around the bloody bedroom. Just like she’d done with the letter her mother had sent her.

  Which should have made him feel better. But it didn’t.

  He turned around, wanting get the hell out of there but his phone buzzed so he pulled it out and there on the screen was a text. I’m sorry it had to be this way, Vin. I told you I wouldn’t do it and I meant it. I changed my flight. I’m in Tokyo.

  Yeah, and wasn’t that a goddamned relief? He’d escaped the whole marriage deal. And good job. Now he wouldn’t be tied down, weighed down by yet more responsibilities for yet another person.

  It was a relief, that’s what it was.

  Vin deleted the message. Then, because deleting wasn’t enough, he flung the phone at the wall where it made a satisfying crunching sound before landing on the floor.

  But the violent movement didn’t help. He felt like a building with rotten foundations, slowly listing to one side, crumbling in on itself. And he had no clue as to why.

  So Kara had gone. It wouldn’t be the first time someone had left him and it wouldn’t be the last. What was the big fucking deal? Why did he feel so…hollow?

  It was the alcohol. The anger. That’s all it was. Tomorrow, he’d feel better. Of course he would.

  Vin lay down on the bed on his back. Closed his eyes. Suddenly all he wanted to do was sleep. So he did.

  When he next opened them, the room was bathed in sunlight and he didn’t feel better. He felt worse. His head ached and his mouth was dry, his stomach unsettled. The mother of all hangovers pounding behind his eyes.

  But what was worse, infinitely worse, was being surrounded by a familiar scent. Of flowers and sex. Warm arms and gentle hands. Worse was forgetting what had happened and reaching blindly for the soft, female body he knew was right beside him. Only to find nothing.

  And then remember.

  She had gone. She had left him.

  Loss filled him. He rolled over toward where she should be and wasn’t, his fingers brushing soft, silky fabric. A short nightgown she’d left behind. He closed his hand around it, bringing it close, turning his face into it like a child smelling his mother’s clothes for comfort.

  He was pathetic. He was a mess.

  You got shitfaced and pissed for a reason.

  Just like he was holding her nightgown, inhaling her scent for a reason.

  Hating himself, Vin flung the nightgown away and hauled himself out of the bed, feeling like shit. He went over to his phone where it lay on the floor and picked it up. Stupid bastard that he was, he’d now have to get it fixed.

  He went back out into the lounge, intending to keep heading to the front door but at the sight of the dirty dishes
that were scattered around, he stopped and surveyed the untidy room. Christ, she’d really left in a damn hurry.

  Gathering the dishes up, he went into the kitchen to put them in the dishwasher.

  The kitchen was kind of a mess too, so he cleaned that up as well. Once that was done, he decided he’d better call the café to check on the new manager she’d hired, make sure everything was running smoothly. It was. After that it seemed only logical to put a stop on her mail so it wouldn’t overflow her post box then call her doctor to check on when her next appointment was. He’d have to cancel it if it was while she was in Tokyo. How long would that be? Why hadn’t she considered all this?

  Once he’d finished speaking with the clinic, he opened the fridge to see if she’d got rid of any perishables. She hadn’t. Almost automatically he began clearing out the leftover milk and various other items, putting them on the floor to either take with him when he left or to chuck in the trash. As he did so, he glanced down at his watch, checking on the time. He’d meant to go see his mother in the hospital today and he really didn’t want to be late.

  Shit. He’d been there too long. If he didn’t get a move on, he’d miss visiting hours.

  You’ve just spent half an hour tidying up her apartment and now you’re cleaning out her fridge. What the hell are you doing?

  He blinked, the thought hitting him like a bullet. Good fucking point. What was he doing tidying her fridge? She’d jilted him. Left him standing on the steps outside the registry office like a dickhead. And yet here he was, neatening up her apartment, checking on her appointments and cleaning out her kitchen. Looking after her just as he always did.

  You know why.

  Vin stilled, his heart starting to race.

  You love her. Be a fucking man and admit it.

  The truth of it was too strong to deny this time. Yes, he did love her. That’s why he’d gotten so angry with her when she didn’t turn up at the registry office. Why he’d gone and gotten drunk. Why he was here now, cleaning her apartment.

  He loved her and she’d gone. She’d left him. Just like his father had left him. Just like everyone fucking left him.

  Bullshit. She didn’t leave you. She never left you. You were the one who walked away.

  Something caught hard under his breastbone. A pain that took his breath away. A realization that tipped over him like ice cold river water on a hot day.

  He sat down heavily on the floor, staring unseeing at the fridge.

  Jesus, he had walked away. She’d told him what she wanted but he’d been the one who’d refused to give it to her and shut her out.

  Guess you’re just like your old man after all, buddy.

  Vin put his hands on his knees, bent his head. “Shit,” he whispered.

  All his life he’d looked after people, took care of them, made sure they were okay. Accepted the responsibilities that came to him. Because stepping up to the plate made him a better man. A better man than his father.

  But he wasn’t a better man. Turned out he was just like him. A selfish, self-righteous prick who abandoned the people he loved because he couldn’t take it. And it didn’t make any difference that he hadn’t walked away physically. He had emotionally. He’d shut out the people who mattered in his life because he was too damn scared. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of them leaving him.

  Pain tightened, twisted inside his chest.

  He’d been blind. Kara had gone and he had nobody to blame but himself.

  Vin didn’t know how long it was that he sat in Kara’s kitchen but eventually the beeping of the fridge door shook him out of his depression. Christ, he couldn’t just sit there. He had his mother to see to and he was late enough as it was. There would be time to figure out the rest of it later.

  He left the apartment, went back to his office for fresh clothes and a shower, then he made his way to the hospital and the psychiatric ward.

  She was sitting in one of the patient lounges, reading a book, and as he approached she looked up and frowned. And he knew this was going to be bad because there was nothing but lucidity in her eyes. Christ, he hated the lucidity. Because it always made him so aware of what he’d lost.

  “Vin? You look awful. What’s happened, sweetheart?”

  He sat then because those rotten foundations were going to collapse and he was going to break and if that happened he had no idea what he would do. “I’m fine.” He had to say it, had to make it true.

  “Sure you are.” She put her book down, leaned over and patted his hand where it rested on his thigh. “Tell your mum.”

  “Ellie’s gone,” he made himself say. “She left for Tokyo.”

  A shadow crossed Lillian’s still lovely face. “Good. I think…that’s good.”

  It was good of course. They both knew that. “I’m going to miss her,” he said.

  “You’ll have Hunter to keep you company though, won’t you?”

  “He’s gone too. He went with her.” And at Lillian’s puzzled look, he added, “They’re together now.”

  His mother sat back on the couch. “So it’s just you and me.”

  But it wasn’t really just him and her. It was only him. Because he lost her with every episode.

  You didn’t lose her either, dickhead. Like Kara, she’s always been there. You’re the one who’s been too resentful to see her properly.

  He swallowed, another hard and painful truth settling inside him.

  Jesus, he’d done this to everyone, hadn’t he? Had let his anger at his father color his whole life. Turning the people he loved into burdens he had to shoulder. Crosses he had to bear. But they weren’t.

  If he truly wanted to be a better man than his father, he needed to let go of his anger.

  He needed to take on those responsibilities without resentment. Without frustration. Without anger. He needed to take them on not to make him feel better about himself but because he wanted to. Because he cared.

  The shadow in her eyes didn’t lift. “I don’t think I’ve been much good to you, have I? I haven’t been much of a mother at all.”

  Vin looked at her. For the first time in years, he truly looked at her. Without anger. Without resentment. Copper hair and blue eyes. Lines of hardship and pain around her mouth. And a familiar weariness that was so much like his own it hurt.

  “It’s okay,” he said softly. “You did just fine…. Mum.” The word sounded strange in his mouth because it had been so very long since he said it. But it felt good to say. Like he was reclaiming something.

  “Mum,” she repeated then smiled, her expression lightening. “I haven’t heard that in a while.”

  “Because I haven’t said it in a while.” He leaned forward, putting his hand over hers. “And here’s something else I haven’t said in a while. I love you. I hope you know that.”

  The shadow vanished completely. “Oh sweetheart. I love you too. You’ve always been there for me. Every single time.”

  Well he hadn’t, not really. But he would be from now on. Not because he had to or because he had something to prove, but because he wanted to. Because he loved her.

  Just like he loved Kara. Who hadn’t left him. Who’d always been there for him. Who’d given him everything he hadn’t realized he’d even wanted. Not just sex but understanding. Kindness. Someone to lean on. A place to rest. A place to be safe. A haven.

  He’d made a mistake. A big one. He’d nearly pushed away the best thing that had ever happened to him because he was angry and scared and not willing to deal with his own shit. But now he was. Now he could. Now he could make this right and he would.

  This time it would be for her. Truly for her.

  Something of his thoughts have shown on his face because his mother asked suddenly, “You okay?”

  Vin squeezed her hand gently. He couldn’t go after Kara like Hunter had with Ellie, but he had another plan. A better plan. She was away for two weeks. He’d have to make them count.

  “Yeah, Mum. Actually this time, I think
I am.”

  The flight back to New Zealand was long and by the time she landed back in Auckland, Kara was jetlagged, her eyes gritty from lack of sleep and her legs aching from lack of movement, a vaguely nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  She’d missed Vin while she’d been away. So much it hurt. The ache settling down into her like rust into metal, eating away at her from the inside out. But no matter how badly it hurt, she didn’t regret walking away from him. He’d helped her build up her pride in herself again and she wasn’t going to let him shatter it.

  Even so, every day in Tokyo she’d had to bite down on her urge to ask Ellie whether he’d rung. Whether he’d sent his sister a text or an email, because he hadn’t rung or texted Kara. And only once did she break.

  Ellie had shaken her head then said, “But remember, Vin’s default setting isn’t only to protect. It’s also to rely on no one but himself. And that’s because he simply didn’t have anyone else. After Dad took off, he was the only one left.”

  Kara knew that feeling. Knew it so well. “So what are you saying?” she’d asked.

  “I’m saying he’s not a guy who’s exactly in touch with his feelings all the time. Especially the softer ones.” Ellie had hesitated, brushing her copper colored bangs away from her eyes. “Vin needs someone. Looking out for me, taking care of Mum, growing his business…he’s been so busy there hasn’t been much time for friends or relationships for him. And everyone, no matter how strong they are, needs a person they can be weak with. Someone they can be vulnerable with.”

  Kara had felt her throat tighten. “I just don’t know… I just don’t think Vin can let himself be vulnerable with anyone.”

  “Give him a chance, Kar,” Ellie had said. “In many ways, you’re stronger than he is and he needs someone strong.”

  She tried to put the conversation from her mind because simply getting through the immigration nightmare due to a huge planeload of people arriving just before her was bad enough. Then her suitcase took forever to get onto the baggage carousel. Just about every single person from her flight had got theirs by the time hers came out and then she couldn’t find a trolley to put it on.