Deep River Promise Page 23

  “Sure, I could have talked to you. And you would have said no.”

  “You’re damn right I would have said no.” Tension crawled through him, every muscle in his body tightening. “This is none of your concern, Connor.”

  “Bullshit. It is my concern.” Connor moved suddenly, taking a few steps forward, coming closer, his blue eyes full of a fury that matched the fury inside Damon. “My father chose you, Damon. He chose you to come and look out for me, but now you’re leaving. You stayed four measly days and now you’re going home. How is that looking out for me?”

  The anger in his gut seemed disproportionate, but he couldn’t seem to shove it away. It ate at him, burned him. Felt like someone had lit a fire under him and was holding his skin to the coals.

  “What do you want from me?” he demanded roughly. “You’re a great kid, you’ve got lots of confidence and common sense most of the time. You’ve got your mom and the town looking out for you. You don’t need me.”

  “What do I want?” Connor shifted on his feet, crunching gravel under his sneakers. “I want a guy I can just…talk to about stuff. You know, things I can’t talk to Mom about. I know you’re not my dad and I’m not looking for one. But a friend would be good.”

  Damon’s heart twisted, his anger turning inward on himself. A friend, that’s all the kid wanted. That’s all. How could he deny him that?

  “I can give you my number. We can email or I can call—”

  “Email?” Connor’s voice was sharp with disappointment and anger. “That’s seriously all you got? Going to be really effective out here where there’s no service.”

  Shit.

  You goddamn coward.

  Damon gritted his teeth, set his jaw. No, screw that; he wasn’t a coward. And Connor was right; email or phone calls were half measures, and the boy deserved more than that from him. A hell of a lot more.

  But he didn’t have it to give. All he could give him was the truth.

  “I’m sorry, Con.” He held the boy’s gaze. “I can’t stay. I know it sucks, but I have to think of my mom. She’s got no one else to take care of her and she needs to stay in LA, where the hospitals are.”

  Something seemed to go out of the kid then, the light of determination in his eyes dying. He looked away, his shoulders hunching. “Yeah, I get it.”

  The hopeless note in Connor’s voice made Damon feel as if someone had punched him in the stomach.

  “Connor,” he began.

  But the teenager only shook his head and walked past Damon wordlessly, stiff and furious as he strode back to the community center and up the stairs, disappearing inside.

  Good going, asshole.

  Damon cursed under his breath and strode forward a couple of steps, taking a couple of deep breaths, trying to corral his fury and frustration.

  The early evening air was cool and fresh in his lungs, carrying with it the scent of the river and the faint spice of cedar and spruce from the forest.

  His temper eased a little.

  Why did he feel Connor’s disappointment so acutely? The boy wasn’t his son. He’d known him less than a week, so the sharpness of the feeling didn’t make any sense.

  Perhaps it was because he knew what it was like to be lonely. To need someone to talk to. His mom had worked two jobs to make ends meet, leaving him on his own a lot. Which he hadn’t complained about, especially considering she was working hard to keep him fed.

  So yes, it had been lonely. But he’d sucked it up and gone on because he’d had to. Because he’d had no one else.

  Because life was hard and some things you had to do by yourself.

  He’d managed it; Connor would have to do the same.

  “Damon?” The voice behind him was soft and feminine.

  Astrid.

  He turned sharply. She came down the steps from the center’s porch and onto the gravel, her footsteps crunching. Her hair gleamed, a soft golden halo. She wore worn jeans and a deep-blue long-sleeved button-down shirt with a parka thrown over the top, the color tingeing the gray of her eyes, making them look like thunderclouds.

  She was so beautiful. But it wasn’t her beauty that made his heart catch inside him. It was the look on her face, full of concern.

  Everyone needs someone, Damon. And you have me. You will always have me.

  The memory of what she’d said to him the night before drifted through his head like a song he couldn’t remember the words to, the tune haunting him.

  He ignored it.

  “Yes?” He tried to sound neutral but couldn’t hide the rasp of emotion that lingered in his voice. “Is the meeting starting?”

  “I’m going to give it a few more minutes.” She took another couple of steps, then stopped, her gaze roving over him. “Are you okay? I saw Connor come in looking upset. Did he do something he shouldn’t?”

  It took conscious effort to relax his tight muscles. “He just told me that he called my mother. He got her details from Silas and called her to tell her how great Deep River was and that she needed to move there with me.”

  Shock rippled over Astrid’s fine, precise features. “Oh, for the love of… That kid… I’ll kill him.”

  “It’s not his fault.” Damon’s hands ached where they were clenched in fists, so he thrust them in his pockets. “It’s Silas I’m planning to kill. He had no right to give Connor Mom’s number.”

  “No, he didn’t.” Astrid folded her arms. “But I think Silas wants you to stay.”

  “Yeah, I know he does.”

  “And so does Connor.”

  “I can’t, Astrid. You know I can’t.”

  “No,” she said quietly. “I know.”

  The acceptance in her tone caught at his anger somehow, inflaming it though he couldn’t think why. Because he didn’t want her insisting that he stay, right? He didn’t need another voice to add to the chorus.

  “That doesn’t sound convincing,” he said before he could stop himself.

  She frowned. “What do you want me to say, then? You have your mother to care for. I understand that.”

  “Do you?” He didn’t know why he was asking her. He didn’t know what he wanted her to say.

  “Of course. What does it matter what I think, anyway?” Her gaze was cool, the mayor in charge. But he could hear a note of challenge in the words, as if she wanted him to dispute it.

  Which he would. He wasn’t going to let her opinion change his mind, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t important or that she didn’t matter. And he wanted to hear what she had to say.

  “It matters,” he said. “Tell me.”

  She stared at him, expressions he didn’t understand flickering across her face. Her eyes had darkened almost into the deep blue of her shirt. “No,” she said at last. “I don’t think you should stay.”

  His gut lurched, though again he wasn’t sure why. Because wasn’t that a good thing? It was better for her if she didn’t want him to stay.

  “Why not?” The question was out before he could stop himself.

  “Because you don’t want to.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  She held his gaze, unflinching. “I can see it in your eyes, Damon. I think if you’d wanted to stay, you’d move heaven and earth to make it happen.”

  There was no accusation in her tone, but it was so determinedly neutral it needled him. “There’s no way I can—”

  “Please,” she interrupted, and this time he heard a small tremor in her voice. “Don’t use your mother as an excuse.”

  Shock moved through him, lightning rooting him to the spot.

  “I’m not,” he said hoarsely. “You think I should leave her alone? Let her burn her house down? Wander onto the road and get hit by a car? Or just forget to eat? You think I should do that instead?”

  She shook her head. “No
, of course not. But you could bring her here if you wanted to.”

  “I can’t just uproot her from her life and her familiar—”

  Astrid took a step up to him and raised her hand, her fingers touching his face, making the words die unsaid. Her touch was very soft, very warm. “You love her very much and I understand. She’s sick, and she needs care. But what are you trying to prove to her, Damon?”

  It was too much, the touch of her hand and the look in her eyes. It was that sharp look from last night, seeing into his soul. Seeing the lonely little boy who’d watched his mother run herself ragged to keep him fed, selfishly wanting more from her, some crumb of affection or praise. Seeing the angry young man, furious at his mother for walking away from him right when he’d needed her most.

  He turned from Astrid in a jerky movement, taking a few steps toward the trees. His heart was beating far too fast and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

  “She never needed me,” he said, even though he hadn’t meant to. “And she never let me need her either. But she does now, and I won’t do what she did to me. I won’t walk away.”

  “You could bring her here.”

  “No.” He stared up at the sky and the long spears of light cast by the fading sun. “I can’t, Astrid.”

  Behind him there was silence, but she would ask him. Astrid had never flinched away from the truth.

  “Why not?” Her voice was quiet.

  He didn’t want to see her face, not with what he had to tell her, because it would hurt her. But she was right. His mother was an excuse. The only thing he had left to give her was the truth, and he wasn’t going to give her that with his back turned.

  Slowly, he spun around, facing her.

  The light fell full on her lovely face, and those stars were in her eyes again.

  He so badly didn’t want to cause her pain, but he had no choice.

  “Because of you, Astrid,” he said.

  * * *

  Damon’s beautiful face was set in hard, harsh lines and his blue eyes glittered, his whole posture radiating tension.

  Her heart beat fast. Nothing he said was making any sense.

  She shouldn’t have come out here, not with the meeting nearly ready to start, but she’d seen him and Connor leave and then not too long afterward, Connor had come back inside, his face white.

  Worried, she’d wanted to go straight to him and ask him what was wrong, but he’d positioned himself on the other side of the hall, next to a friend, and she didn’t want to have a discussion like that in the middle of a town meeting.

  So she’d gone outside in search of Damon instead.

  She shouldn’t have pushed him about why he was leaving, but Connor had obviously been upset and he at least deserved the truth. And maybe she did too.

  Except now all she could do was stare at him in shock.

  “Me?” she asked blankly. “What do you mean because of me?”

  Damon’s gaze speared her right through. “You know why.”

  “No, I don’t. Perhaps you’d better spell it out for me.”

  He didn’t move, as if he were turned to stone. “I can’t stay because I can’t give you what you want, Astrid.”

  She blinked, not understanding. “I don’t… What do you mean you can’t give me what I want? I don’t want anything.”

  “Yes, you do. It’s written all over your face. I see it every time you look at me.”

  He’s right. You’re in love with him.

  There was no instinctive denial at the thought, no protest. Just acceptance. Because yes, she was in love with him and had been since the night he’d made love to her in her bedroom. Crazy considering she hadn’t known him all that long, but that didn’t make it any less true.

  A deep, calm feeling swept through her, a strength she hadn’t known she had.

  Folding her arms, she held his gaze steadily. “And how is that a problem?”

  Fire flickered in his eyes. “How do you think? What would happen if I stayed? Would our affair go on? And would it be secret? And if it wasn’t secret, what would you want? Us living together? Or staying apart and seeing each other casually? And if that, then what would the town think? Could you deal with gossip?” The questions were like a rain of sharp stones. “And if not, if we ended it, would you be fine seeing me every day? Talking to me every day? It’s hard to stay distant in a small town.”

  She didn’t flinch. “Again, how is that a problem?”

  “Seriously?” A muscle flicked in the side of his strong jaw. “You can’t see the issue?”

  “Those aren’t issues, Damon. Those are all excuses. Not that they’re relevant anyway, because you’re not staying.”

  His eyes went dark. “And if I did?”

  The calm surrounding her faltered, a fist squeezing her heart as she imagined what it would be like to have him here every day. Waking in the morning with him beside her, working during the day and meeting up for coffee at April’s. Then going home to find him and Connor sitting in the kitchen while he helped the kid with his homework.

  Him teasing her as she made dinner. Her kissing him to shut him up.

  Oh, it would be so good to have him here. It would be heaven. But it would also be a lie. Because for that to happen, he’d have to want to stay. And he didn’t.

  “But you won’t,” she said quietly. “And I don’t want you to anyway.”

  He stood so very still, like he’d been carved from rock. A statue left alone in a place no one ever visited. “Why not?”

  “Because if you did, it wouldn’t be because you wanted to. You’d stay for the promise you made to Cal. And for the sake of me and Connor.” She took a small breath. “It wouldn’t be for yourself.”

  His expression twisted and he looked away, but not before she caught the pain glittering in his eyes. “You can’t know how much I wish things were different.” His deep voice sounded scraped raw. “How much I wish I could give you and Connor what you both need and what you both deserve. But…I can’t. I’ve got nothing left, Astrid. Nothing at all.” He glanced at her then, and the look in his eyes made her throat close. “If I can give you nothing else, just know that I would have loved you if I’d been able. But love isn’t something I can do anymore. I’m sorry.”

  It hurt, she couldn’t deny that. It felt like he’d picked up a sword and run her through with it.

  But what could she say? She understood what he’d gone through and the cost it had exacted. And it made sense that he didn’t want to allow himself to feel for anyone else. Because it wasn’t that he couldn’t; it was that he wouldn’t.

  He’d been betrayed too badly and been hurt irreparably, and she couldn’t fix that.

  All she could do was let him go.

  Slowly she walked across the gravel until she was right in front of him, then she tipped her head back and looked up into his sky-blue eyes.

  “It’s okay,” she said quietly. “I’ll just have to love you twice as much.”

  Something shifted in his eyes, flaring bright, an intense, deep longing. He wanted what she had to offer, wanted it badly—she could see the need inside him. But she also knew he wasn’t going to let himself have it for whatever reason.

  “No,” he said. “Don’t.”

  “I told you last night it was too late.” Her voice was surprisingly calm given how much her heart ached. “And I’m not going to ask anything of you. If you have to go, you have to go. I won’t stop you or demand that you stay. But know this.” She held his gaze. “If you ever need anyone, Damon Fitzgerald, you have me. And you have Connor too. We care about you. We’re here for you. And we’re not going anywhere.”

  Emotion rippled over his face, but she couldn’t tell what it was. And then suddenly it was too hard to stand there, too hard to face him. Too hard not to reach for him and pull him to her.

 
“I think the meeting’s about to start,” she said, then turned around and headed back to the community center.

  He didn’t call her name, and she didn’t stop.

  She went in and closed the door behind her.

  Chapter 16

  Damon followed Astrid in—he had no other option. The meeting was important and especially so since he was there to add his thoughts on the financial implications.

  Connor was on the far side of the hall and he didn’t look in Damon’s direction, not once.

  Astrid called the meeting to order, her face betraying nothing of what had happened between them outside in the parking area. Or at least nothing anyone else could see. But he noticed the pale cast to her skin and the tightness around her mouth, her eyes gone dark, the sharp glitter dulled. And that tension was back, bristling and edgy.

  I’ll have to love you twice as much.

  His chest squeezed, like someone had closed their fingers around his heart, and it made anger churn in the pit of his stomach.

  Why did she love him? He hadn’t asked for it, hadn’t wanted it. She said she wouldn’t ask anything of him, but he could feel her love pulling on him all the same, demanding things from him. Things he couldn’t give.

  It’s not her you’re angry with.

  He leaned his back against the wall, the tightness in his chest unrelenting.

  No, of course it wasn’t her. He had enough insight to know that. It was himself he was angry with. Because he’d told her the truth. If he still had the ability to love, he would have loved her. He would have stayed with her. Would have brought his mother to live here in Deep River with them. Would have created a family with her and Connor, a life that wasn’t just lived on the surface. That was about something more, a tree with roots that went deep, not a leaf drifting in the current of a river.

  But it would never happen. Love wasn’t something he could feel anymore.

  “Okay, everyone settle down,” Astrid said, raising her voice enough to cut through the chatter and then waiting until it was mostly silent. “So, tonight we’re going to hear from those who’ve put forward some ideas on how to get some tourism dollars into Deep River. I’ve sat down with Damon over there, who you all know by now and who’s one of the new owners—”