Hold Me Down (The Deacons of Bourbon Street #3) Page 18

  His heart lurched. He remembered that night so well. The brothers hadn’t wanted him to see her; they’d been so pissed off at him. But he’d held his ground, told them what he wanted, trying to stay respectful because he’d sensed that was important. And eventually Alice had appeared. Long red hair and pale face, wary blue eyes. Hiding her pain.

  He’d made his first promise to himself that night: to protect her. And he had.

  Holding her gaze, he pushed back into her, making her gasp and tearing a growl from his own throat. God. This was too fucking intense. But he had to say something. Had to respond somehow. Otherwise all the years of lost opportunity would crush them both.

  He paused again, deep inside her slick heat. “I’m sorry,” he said raggedly. “I’m sorry, Red. For everything. For hurting you…Fuck, that’s the last thing I wanted to do.”

  She stared at him and for the briefest second something glittered on the ends of her lashes. Then she blinked and it was gone. “I know,” she said softly. “I know.”

  There wasn’t anything to say after that. Those two words said it all. Forgiveness and regret and understanding all in one.

  So he moved again, pulling back, pushing in, long and slow. Deep and hard. Letting the pleasure between them build and build. Desperately holding on to his control as she began to tremble and pant, her hands grabbing tight to his shoulders.

  He thrust faster, locking his gaze with hers, the intensity of the moment taking him by the throat and refusing to let go. Then he began to lose himself in the blue of her eyes, in the scent of flowers and sex, in the delicious heat of her pussy.

  And when she finally screamed in his ear, her body convulsing around his, he bent his head and buried his face in her neck, screaming with her.

  Chapter 11

  She wanted to cry, but she didn’t. She kept her eyes closed, her heart thundering, savoring the feel of his hard, hot body up against hers. Of his arms holding her up.

  I’m sorry, Red. For everything.

  Such simple words and so heavy with regret, yet she hadn’t realized that those were the words she’d wanted to hear until now. Until it was too late.

  Slowly, she opened her eyes and met Blue’s dark gaze. And she wanted to tell him that she hadn’t only loved him back then, she loved him still. Always had. But it was too late for that, too.

  These divided loyalties wouldn’t go away and they would always be between them.

  Use that excuse if you want. You know that’s not the real issue.

  Alice refused to acknowledge the thought, shivering a little as Blue pulled out of her.

  “Wait here,” he said roughly, then turned away, moving to the doorway that must lead to the rest of the house and disappearing through it.

  She felt cold all of a sudden, despite the humid bayou heat, and like she was missing something important, though she didn’t know what that could be.

  Moving over to where Blue had tossed her clothes, she began to dress, her hands shaking, her legs unsteady. The aftereffects of the orgasm were heavy and slow in her bloodstream, making her want to fall into bed with Blue’s arms around her. Holding her.

  But she couldn’t do that. There would be no peace for her with him, not while Blade and her club were in danger and Blue was stopping her from helping them.

  She was sitting on the sofa, putting her boots on, when he came back into the room, moving to stand in front of her.

  As she fastened the last buckle, she looked up at him. The expression on his hard, beautiful face was unreadable, his dark eyes guarded.

  Where they went from here, she had no idea.

  “I don’t want you to go,” he said at last, breaking the heavy silence. “I want to keep you here, locked up safe with me.” A brief pause. “But I can’t do that to you, Red. I can’t keep you if you don’t want to stay.”

  Everything inside her stilled. “What do you mean?” she asked, not understanding. Because it seemed the very opposite of what he’d said to her fifteen minutes earlier.

  His arms were folded, the cotton of his T-shirt tight around his impressive biceps, his ink dark against his tanned skin. And her mouth went dry, because even though he’d just given her a screaming orgasm up against a wall, she wanted him again. She always would.

  “I mean,” he said, “I’m letting you go.”

  She blinked, her heartbeat suddenly speeding up. “Letting me go as in…”

  “As in you can leave here. Go back to the Ministry. Warn Blade if you want.”

  A wave of shock went through her, chasing away the heavy warmth of the orgasm. She stared at him. “Why? Why would you do that? I thought you didn’t—”

  “I don’t.” His voice was flat. “Like I said, I don’t want to let you go. But…you’re right. I can’t keep hold of you just because it’s what I want. I have to do what’s best for you. And that’s going back to the Ministry. Going back to your family.”

  It was what she’d wanted, what she’d begged him for. So it shouldn’t have hurt. And yet, for some reason, it did.

  She swallowed past the feeling. “I don’t…know what to say. I mean, are you sure? This is going to get you in trouble with Ajax, won’t it?”

  His mouth twisted. “I’m already in trouble with fucking Ajax. He wanted me for the raid on the Ministry, but I brought you out here instead.”

  Holy shit. He’d gone against his president to bring her here, and now he was going against Ajax again by letting her go. By letting her warn Blade.

  Her chest felt tight all of a sudden, as if someone had a fist just above her heart and was pressing down hard. “I don’t want to make things difficult for you, Blue. That was never my intention.”

  Something in his face softened. “Things were always gonna be difficult with us, baby. No matter what you did—you know that.”

  Yeah, she did.

  Slowly she got to her feet. There were only inches between them, and yet for some reason it felt like the distance between the moon and the Earth.

  “So,” she said, her voice thickening. “I am going to warn Blade. But I’m going to try and get that proof out of him one way or another. See if we can’t stop this war.” She swallowed past the lump that seemed to have gathered in her throat. “Can you give me some time?”

  He gave a slow nod. “You got half an hour. Then I’m calling Ajax. I’ll tell him you escaped.”

  It was long enough for a phone call. Long enough to see if she could get Blade to rethink his stance. Somehow. “Okay. But how am I going to get back?”

  Blue dug into his pocket and got out his keys, then tossed them to her. “Take my bike.”

  She caught them. “Seriously?” Riding a brother’s bike simply wasn’t done.

  “It’s not escaping if I’m giving you a ride.”

  Closing her fingers around the keys, she stared at him. “But what will you do?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “I’ll figure something out.”

  “Blue.” She took a step toward him. “I just want—”

  “Half an hour, baby. That’s all you got.” There was something guarded in his dark eyes now. Something distant. Something that warned her not to come any closer.

  She blinked. “What about us? What happens to us when it’s all over?”

  Blue’s posture radiated tension. “You know what happens. If it’s a war with Ministry and I’m still around after it, I’ll be with the Deacons.” And you won’t be.

  He didn’t say the last part, but she heard it all the same, and it sent a small flash of pain through her.

  She tried to ignore it, that and the lump in her throat that showed no signs of budging. “So…what about me being your old lady?”

  “Like you kept telling me, that was only supposed to be temporary anyway. I’ll make sure Ajax stays off your back.”

  Wrong. This is all wrong.

  No, it wasn’t wrong. This was the only way. She’d had the fantasy of being in his bed and that, at least, had been good. But they couldn’t b
e together. She couldn’t leave the Ministry for an uncertain place with the Deacons.

  It’s not about the Ministry or the damn Deacons. Or even him. It’s about you.

  Alice tightened her fingers on the keys, letting the feel of the hard metal against her skin crush the voice in her head. The one telling her the things she didn’t want to think about or examine.

  “Okay,” she said thickly, not quite sure what else to say. “Thanks.”

  His expression had hardened again, every inch of him rigid with tension. As if he was holding himself back from reaching out and grabbing her. And a small, secret part of her wished he would do just that so she didn’t have to make this decision and walk away.

  But he didn’t. He just stood there, staring at her.

  “And your property patch?” she asked, because she couldn’t help herself.

  Blue’s dark eyes didn’t leave hers. “Send it back to me.”

  That hurt too, as though someone had twisted a sharp blade under her skin. But then of course he’d want it back. She didn’t need it anymore, did she? Unable to speak, she only nodded, suddenly desperate to get out of here. “Okay. Well.” Her voice sounded hoarse. “Thanks, Blue. Thanks for everything.”

  There were just black holes where his eyes should be.

  “Leon,” he said. “My name’s Leon.”

  —

  Alice walked out of the house and stepped onto the gangplank, hearing it rattle underneath her boots as she made her way up it and onto the wooden pier. The only sounds were of the waves lapping and the calls of night birds. The humid air felt suffocating, and she knew she’d never be able to smell salt and swampy bayou water again without wanting to burst into tears.

  She didn’t cry as she stepped off the pier and walked over to where Blue’s bike was parked, though her eyes felt gritty, and there was a heaviness in her chest that felt like the weight of the entire world pressing down on her.

  He’d asked for his patch back, then he’d taken his name from her. A punishment, she knew.

  Maybe that’s what you deserve. For being a coward.

  She shook her head as if she could shake away the thought. She wasn’t being a coward. She owed her first loyalty to Blade and that’s what she was giving. There was nothing for her and Blue. Nothing.

  There could be something. If you wanted there to be.

  Alice gritted her teeth. Fuck no, she had to call Blade and warn him. No thinking about Blue or their affair or whatever the hell they’d had between them.

  Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her phone. Dialed a number.

  A deep, male voice answered. “What do you want, Red? I still haven’t made a decision on Gator, if that’s what you want to know.”

  “I don’t,” she said curtly. It’s the Deacons I’m calling about.”

  “The Deacons? What the fuck do they want?”

  “They’re coming tonight.”

  There was a pause at the end of the line.

  “How do you know?” Blade’s voice was cold.

  “Don’t ask me—I’m not going to say. But you have to know that I’m telling the truth. They’re coming. They want revenge for Priest’s death.”

  “They’re fucking insane. We’ve got twice the men they have, and that’s even with some of my officers gone.”

  “I know, but they’ve got help. Ajax is an ex-merc and he’s got friends.”

  Another pause, heavier this time.

  Alice swallowed, knowing what was coming. But she wasn’t going to pull Blue into this. Not again. He’d let her go, so she’d protect him. Blade wouldn’t take kindly to the fact that she’d been seeing a Deacon, old friends or not, and she didn’t want to add more sparks to an already flammable situation.

  “Red.” There was a dangerous undercurrent in the word. “How do you know this? And this time, I ain’t asking.”

  She closed her eyes. “I can’t tell you. I won’t tell you. And I’m going to ask for something else, too. You have to get some proof you didn’t pay for the hit on Priest, Blade. And you have to show it to the Deacons. You have to stop this war.”

  The silence this time was absolute.

  Finally Blade spoke, and the quiet in his voice was a warning sign. “I don’t have to do a fucking thing. And where do you get off telling me what to do? I’m your fucking president.”

  “Please, Blade.” She didn’t justify herself and she didn’t explain. “You promised Dad you’d protect me, that you’d look after me. And I need this. So don’t do it for the Deacons. Do it for me.”

  “Jesus Christ, Red.” And maybe there was a hint of softness in his voice and maybe there wasn’t—it was difficult to tell. But she hoped. Then he added, “You’d better have a fucking good reason for this, girl.”

  Relief almost took her legs out from under her. “I do,” she croaked. “Believe me, I do.”

  “Then I’m gonna want to hear it.” Before she could reply, he disconnected the call.

  Letting out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding, Alice stuck the phone in the back pocket of her jeans, then she threw her leg over Blue’s bike.

  She could either go back to her apartment, to wait out whatever went down in safety, or go to the Ministry clubhouse and make sure this war didn’t happen.

  Blade wouldn’t be happy if she turned up, but she couldn’t stand the thought of waiting around at home by herself, not knowing whether Blue would be okay or not. God, she couldn’t stand that. Anyway, she was the one who’d found the evidence against Gator, and Blade might need her help to prove it hadn’t been his money that paid for it.

  Besides, it wasn’t as if she had anywhere better to go.

  Blue had given her half an hour. She was probably going to need it.

  —

  The roar of the Harley’s engine shattered the silence, and Blue went to the front window of the house only to see the taillights of the bike as it took off.

  Fuck. What the hell had he done?

  She made her choice and you respected it. You let her go. Like you promised you would.

  Yeah, he had. So why the fuck didn’t he feel good about it? Like he’d made the right decision? Because he didn’t. He felt like he’d let something important slip through his fingers. Something he should have kept hold of. Yet he’d had no other choice. Keeping hold of her only hurt her. And that was one vow he hadn’t wanted to break.

  But you did. When you took your name from her.

  He shouldn’t have done that, just like he shouldn’t have demanded the return of his property patch. But he’d wanted to make sure she knew there was no coming back from this. That her choice was final and they were definitely over, no hope of revisiting. Because he couldn’t do it again. Letting her go now had been hard enough; having to do it a second time would kill him.

  Blue turned away from the window, his shoulders tight, his chest feeling like it was full of broken glass.

  He’d promised her half an hour’s head start; then he’d call Ajax, tell him she’d gotten away. Not that his president would believe him. He had no idea what Ajax would say, only that he’d be an asshole about it.

  Blue went over to the couch and sat down, flicking on the TV.

  When he’d left this place, he’d kept everything in the house hooked up, the power and the water and stuff. For what reason he didn’t know. Then again, maybe now he did. Maybe it was so he could come back here, where it was easier to be alone. Certainly it would be easier to be back on the bayou than to be at The Priory with the rest of his club. With all those memories of Alice.

  Pain gathered in his gut, a hard and heavy stone that he tried to ignore. She’d left him and it was the right thing to do. Absolutely the right choice to make.

  He watched mindless TV, wishing there was at least a fucking beer he could drown some of his sorrows in, but the fridge was empty. So he had nothing but reruns of Survivor to keep him company.

  Exactly half an hour later, he turned the TV off and hit Ajax’s number
.

  “What the fuck do you want?” his president demanded without preamble.

  “She got away,” Blue said. And braced himself.

  “What do you mean ‘she got away’? Didn’t you make some song and dance about her being your responsibility or some such shit?”

  “Yeah, and I screwed up. Literally. We fucked and I fell asleep. Woke up and she was gone.”

  There was a silence.

  Blue gripped the phone hard, hoping like hell the glass wouldn’t shatter.

  “You stupid asshole,” Ajax said roughly. “So where’s she gone? Back to Blade to warn him?”

  “I was only asleep for an hour, so if she has, she’s only had, at the most, a forty-minute head start. I took her to my place, out past Buras. It’s a good hour and a half down the highway so she won’t get there for a while.”

  Ajax let out a long breath. “Jesus, this is the last thing I fucking need. Okay, you’d better get your ass back here then. I’ll deal with the issue of you disobeying orders later, but right now, I’m gonna need you for this raid. And yeah, looks like we’ll have to be rethinking some strategy.”

  Blue’s jaw went tight. He knew he should apologize but he wasn’t in much of an apologetic mood. “If you want me back, I need a ride. She took my bike.”

  “Fuck, Blue. You got shit for brains or what?”

  No. He was just more like his old man than he thought. Pussy drunk and unable to control himself.

  You fucking tool. You know that’s not what it is. Alice was never just pussy to you.

  He scowled. “Am I gonna get a ride or what?”

  Ajax told him he’d send a brother to get him, but that he wasn’t going to sit around with his thumb in his ass waiting for Blue to get back. That was fine with Blue, because there was a part of him that suddenly found the idea of a Ministry raid not as attractive as it had been.

  Weird. He’d wanted revenge on Priest just as bad as the rest of them, so why the whole idea should lose its appeal now was beyond him.

  Christ. You are a fucking tool. You know why.

  Alice. It all came back to her. Everything always came back to her.

  Suddenly he couldn’t stand being in the houseboat any longer, its walls soaked through with the loneliness and longing of ten years. With the memories he’d brought with him after he’d left New Orleans. Memories of her.